Saturday, February 6, 2010

Late Fee Lament

Blockbuster video had a "Manager's Special" the other night. The deal went like this: You rent three movies and you get a bunch of candy, some popcorn, a back rub, and one acre of prime Manhattan real estate...or something like that.

I don't exactly remember the details - but suffice it to say - I was like a fish on a hook. They had me at "Special". Besides, it didn't matter how many extras they gave away, they new that they would ultimately get an average of $8,000,000 in late fees -- per customer!

You see, they're gambling that the average customer won't be able to meet the deadline. That's right. There's almost no way I can watch all three movies in the approximate 30 hours I have until THE LATE FEE DEADLINE arrives.

I thought I would be smart and beat the odds this time by coming up with a fool proof plan. Last night my daughter and I watched the first movie together then today I returned that one when I went out to run errands. Mission accomplished. Movie number one, safe in the vault.

Next, I watched movie number two all by my myself (yes I'm married, and no, my wife hardly ever watches the stupid movies I rent. She probably has good reason for this, but that's another story).
One problem. Right after the movie finished, I casually glanced up at the clock which read: 10:46pm. Oh no! That can't be right, because the deadline for return is 11:00pm. The video store is at least ten minutes away and I don't even have shoes on. So I leap from my chair, slip my feet halfway into some sneakers. You know how, when you don't even untie them, and you just kinda crush the heal support with your foot and where them like slippers? It's kind of like a male "walk of shame".

So I buzz by the bedroom and tell my wife what I'm doing to which she replies something that sounded like, "Whatever psycho." Encouraged by my spouses support, I scurry out the door and head to Blockbuster.

By the way, isn't it funny how we seem to notice just how many red lights we catch when we're in the biggest of hurries. Honestly, there must have been fifteen or so lights, and it seemed like everyone waited for me to get within 50 feet of them to turn red. Be that as it may, after side swiping a Pontiac Lemans, and nearly running over someone who was CLEARLY jaywalking, I screamed into the parking lot "Starsky and Hutch" style. I sprang from my vehicle, and hobbled as fast as possible in my socks (Hey, I was cutting it close here, no time to lace up my kicks),to the drop off slot and safely deposited movie number two with four minutes to spare. Ye ha!

As I turned back toward my vehicle, there was another man approaching the box. I looked down to see his shoes untied. I said, "I see I'm not the only one trying to beat the clock tonight. I didn't even have time to slip my shoes on."
"I didn't have time to tie mine." He replied (Told you).

So I guess I'll be able to pay the mortgage on time this month. Blockbuster you tried your best but you'd better get up a little earlier than that if you wanna make an easy buck at ole James' expense.

Yes sir, the ole "Rent Three Movies" trick didn't get the best of...wait a second...Three movies? That means I still have one at home.

AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! Curse you Harry Potter!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Random Darts

Soooo the I.R.S. is buying shotguns. You can read about it here.
I guess it wasn't enough for them to be able to confiscate all of your material possessions, crush your hopes and dreams, and leave you penniless, praying that someone, out of the kindness of their heart will give you some cat food to eat -- they now can take your life as well. I think I'll save them the man hours and just self report to the gulags.

With this being American Idol's, er, Simon Cowell's last season, I'm just wondering who would want to watch the show without being able to see Simon insult 16 year old girls. I mean, A.I. without Simon is like listening to Huey Lewis and the news...without Huey!

Or "The Wizard of Oz" minus Dorothy.

It's like paying to see the Jackson 4 without Michael( actually, I think you can do that now).

I read recently where "Avatar" just became the highest grossing film of all time (domestically). While I'll admit I haven't seen it yet,I've heard it's a fun movie to watch.
No worries though, I get enough 3D action at home while dodging things that family members throw at me...

Headline: "Man Gets Kicked off of Airplane. Blames His Actions on Pot Brownies"

So when the I.R.S. comes to my house with shotguns to collect, I'll just tell them, "Honestly, I was on my way to pay my taxes but then I ate a couple of pot brownies , then I had a powerful urge to go buy some M&M's and Doritos, which made me totally forget to pay my taxes.

I was born way too soon. The things I could of gotten away with if I had these modern day excuses in my arsenal.
"Mom, I didn't break your lamp. It was Steve, my heroine dealer."

"Now that's a good boy. Thanks for telling Mommy the truth."


Monday, February 1, 2010

This One’s for the Girls


Have you ever wondered why guys love football so much? Sure you have -- and that’s why I’m gonna take the time to lay it all out for you. By the time we're done here, you’ll be able to tell the difference between a zone blitz and a prevent defense.
Guy’s however, just kinda know this stuff. It’s like how you girls seem to know, well, everything else. Of course there are exceptions to the rule. There are some women who actually love football. They can tell you the name of every player on a team's roster, the point spread, and who's on the injured reserve list for this week's big game. Scientists have studied women like this over the ages and they've come up with a very scientific name for them, they call them "Perfect". As I said, this species is very rare. So unless you're one of them, please read on.

You see, football is man’s last frontier. His sacred, right of passage into true manly, manliness. Passed down from generation to generation, this phenomenon is everywhere. It's America's new favorite past time, and men are genetically predisposed to drool at the very mention of it. Football is man's intellectual stimulus. It's something we can easily understand. For instance, observe this exchange from the movie, "The Waterboy":

[after Bobby demonstrates his tackling ability]
Coach Klein: Bobby, can you do that for me every game?
Bobby Boucher: Coach, not only will I do it for you, I... I... I... yes, yes, I'll do it for you.

Shakespeare just cringed.

Well that’s all well and good, but what about you? Where do you fit in to all of this? After all, if you could just understand the game a little better -- think of all the quality time you and your hubby could spend together between the months of September and January. Just imagine both of you, wearing matching snuggies in your team's colors, enduring sub-zero temperatures cheering yourselves hoarse, and after the game, you head back to the house, where your man will grill up some bratwurst sausages and you guys eat until you fall asleep. Romantic isn't it?

So let’s start with some basic F.A.Q's.

Question - Why is it called football?

Answer - In other parts of the world, they also have a game called football. Across the pond, it’s called that because the ball is maneuvered primarily by the feet, and players (other than the goalie) will be penalized for touching the ball with their hands. In America, we can touch, throw, or carry the ball with our hands, and we call our game football because...well because we’re America, that’s why! I really have no idea.

Question - Why do all the players wear those tight outfits

Answer - So it’s harder for the opposing team to grab hold of them. Also to keep you girls watching I guess. Geeze,you women have a one track mind.

Question - What does first down and ten mean, and what the heck is a down anyway?

Answer - A down is simply another name for a play. When a team has the ball, they get four plays (or tries) to gain ten yards. If they don’t gain ten yards in the allotted amount of plays then they must turn the ball back over to the other team. Like when you borrow an outfit from a friend,you wash it, press it and promptly return it. Yeah, it's just like that...well, minus all the bone crushing hits.

Question - Why all the bone crushing hits?

Answer - Imagine going to a sale at Macy's and everything is 70% off the already marked down price and you lay eyes the designer purse that you've wanted for months but could never justify spending that kind of dough on a handbag, but now it's in your grasp. It's all about to come together for you. Then you notice some she-devil already has her grubby little hands on it. Oh the nerve! Well that woman is like the player with the ball and you are the one about to hit them so hard as to dislodge the purse/ball from her hands. [Whistle] "15 yard penalty. Roughing the shopper!"

Question - Why is the football sometimes called “the pigskin?”

Answer - When football was first played, they would use a pig bladder for a ball. That and, have you ever eaten’ pork rinds while watching football? Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.

Question - Why do they sometimes call the playing field, the “gridiron”?

Answer - the lines on the field kind of resemble the lines on a gridiron. I’ll bet you already knew that one.

Question - Why do guys jump and down and scream like little girls when their team does something good?

Answer - Ask God. I can only take you so far.

I’ll bet you’re feeling more football literate already aren’t you? Imagine the conversations you and your husband can have now:

You: “Honey do you think the Colts will be able to overcome the loss of their best defensive end this week? I think maybe they will have to alter their blitz packages, or maybe even run a little 3-4 while bringing their linebackers on some zone schemes. What do you think dear?”

Hubby: ( Speaking through tears) I love you! How may I serve you oh goddess of the gridiron?

Okay now that you've learned some of the basics, let’s lay down a few of ground rules.

1. Never, EVER ask questions during the last 30 seconds of a close game. This will almost certainly result in the man acting like a toddler would after you take away his favorite toy and tell him it’s nap time. Please spare yourself this scenario. It ain’t pretty... not that I would know.

2.Never insult his favorite team. Even when you two are having a heated argument.This is considered the worst kind of betrayal. To a man, this is akin to you dousing him in petrol and light him ablaze.

3.Excuse his ridiculous behavior when his team loses. I know this is difficult for some of you relate to, but try to stoop to us guy's level for a moment. Perhaps the best way for you to understand why we act like this is for you to imagine you’re back in high school, and the boy you were hoping would invite you to the prom asks your best friend instead!!!(Ooh that Jenny,she thinks she's so perfect!) You’d be devastated wouldn’t you? Absolutely, and you should be. See? It’s the same way a man feels after his team flops. Except the man won’t pretend to be happy for his best friend and simultaneously tease her until she develops an eating disorder.

So when fall rolls around this year, you won't have to dread it, for you are now equipped with enough knowledge to at least fake your way through a game. Your husband will love you all the more for it. Here's how you'll be able to use this to your advantage.

You: Wow that game was awesome. Now would you mind painting the house?

Hubby: Why do you insult me my Queen? You make it sound like a chore.

If that example didn't motivate you to try and get the hang of this football thing, then maybe this monologue will: (Or watch the video)

Al Pacino's Inch By Inch speech from Any Given Sunday

(I edited out the naughty bits)

I don't know what to say really.
Three minutes
to the biggest battle of our professional lives
all comes down to today.
we heal
as a team
or we are going to crumble.
Inch by inch
play by play
till we're finished.
We are in hell right now, gentlemen
believe me
we can stay here
and get the **** kicked out of us
we can fight our way
back into the light.
We can climb out of hell.
One inch, at a time.

Now I can't do it for you.
I'm too old.
I look around and I see these young faces
and I think
I mean
I made every wrong choice a middle age man could make.
I uh....
I p***ed away all my money
believe it or not.
I chased off
anyone who has ever loved me.
And lately,
I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror.

You know when you get old in life
things get taken from you.
That's, that's part of life.
you only learn that when you start losing stuff.
You find out that life is just a game of inches.
So is football.
Because in either game
life or football
the margin for error is so small.
I mean
one half step too late or to early
you don't quite make it.
One half second too slow or too fast
and you don't quite catch it.
The inches we need are everywhere around us.
They are in ever break of the game
every minute, every second.

On this team, we fight for that inch
On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us
to pieces for that inch.
We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch.
Cause we know
when we add up all those inches
that's going to make the difference
between WINNING and LOSING
between LIVING and DYING.

I'll tell you this
in any fight
it is the guy who is willing to die
who is going to win that inch.
And I know
if I am going to have any life anymore
it is because, I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch
because that is what LIVING is.
The six inches in front of your face.

Now I can't make you do it.
You gotta look at the guy next to you.
Look into his eyes.
Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you.
You are going to see a guy
who will sacrifice himself for this team
because he knows when it comes down to it,
you are gonna do the same thing for him.

That's a team, gentlemen
and either we heal now, as a team,
or we will die as individuals.
That's football guys.
That's all it is.
Now, whattaya gonna do?

Ladies, that's football in a nut shell.

Don’t forget to come back next week where we’ll discuss: Why don’t men ever completely grow up? (Or you can save some time and just re-read the above article)